People, You Have GOT To Stop Using The Term “FriendZone”

I started to talk about the issue of “nice guys” and their complaints about being “friendzoned” in The Problem Isn’t That You’re A Nice Guy, It’s That…You’re Not, but I really wanted to expound upon the subject a little more.  Why?  Because while these guys are upset and offended that they’ve been “friendzoned”, I’m upset and offended that they think that women owe them something, and that a relationship that doesn’t include sex is meaningless.  What. The. Heck?

Let’s talk for a second what being “friendzoned” even means, shall we?  In context, it means a guy is placed in a category where he is “just a friend”, not someone who the girl he might be pursuing sees as a romantic or sexual partner.  That’s literally all it is.  I say that it’s a category that applies to males more because males are the ones complaining about it.  When I talk to women about the subject, they don’t seem morally offended that not every guy ever wants to date and/or sleep with them.

Apparently, however, we women are.  This is a load of nonsense.  Complaining about the friendzone is really complaining about the fact that a woman isn’t sexually attracted to EVERY GUY SHE KNOWS.  And it would be kind of odd if we were, because fellas, last time I checked you weren’t necessarily sexually attracted to every single girl you met either, or you had reasons why you wouldn’t get involved (romantically or sexually) with some of them.  Right?  Right.  Now, maybe these men don’t think that the women in their lives should be attracted to EVERY guy, but they certainly think they should be attracted to them.  (I know, that was a lot of pronouns).  Here’s the thing though: not every woman you know is going to be romantically/sexually attracted to you.  In fact, it’s pretty egotistical and absurd to assume that this should be the case.

The second reason that the “friendzone” argument bothers me is the one I reference in my previous post, and it’s related to the one I just discussed: the idea that a man is unreasonably “friendzone” alludes to an incredible sense of entitlement.  In this case, it’s generally speaking a sense of entitlement to sex, which of course is a ridiculous concept.  But moreover, in many ways it is manipulative-~-if they only reason you are “nice” to a girl is because you expect a sexual relationship in return, there is a serious problem.

Now, being  nice to someone because you genuinely like them and want to build a deeper relationship with them is a different story, but at the same time, what did I say in my last post?  People have needs, and wants, and you might not be quite what they’re looking for.  And that doesn’t make the woman who turned you down the scum of the earth, it just means you’re not a good match.

But no matter how you spin it, girls are not machines that you put kindness coins into until sex or a relationship comes out.  We are people in our own right, who deserve to be treated well just because you should treat people well.  We are allowed to have different tastes in guys.  We are allowed to say no to sex with you.  And we are allowed to do so without being called a “whore” or a “bitch”-~-because that’s just sooooo nice of you.

My third problem with the “friendzone” concept is a little different, though, and it has to do with what this attitude says about male-female friendships.  Because I have news for you: my friendship is NOT some crappy consolation prize.  The idea of the friendzone reduces women to their sexualities, to their sexual functions, and says that everything ELSE they have to offer is worth less, or even worthless.  This is unacceptable.

When men complain that they are “in the friendzone”, what they really mean is that they aren’t receiving the sex that they think they are entitled to for behaving in a certain way, and that whatever other relationship they might be able to have with this woman is not as valuable because of this.  Fellas, you are not dogs, and sex is not a treat.  It’s not our job to reward you for good behavior.  And maybe if you treated women like actual people, and valued the emotional support that they can give or the ways they can make you laugh or they various other things that women can bring to the table, instead of just looking to score, you’d get a lot further.

For one thing, you’d be able to develop and really appreciate meaningful friendships with the women in your life whom you are NOT dating.  And you never know how truly valuable all of those non-romantic, non-sexual relationships might end up being in the end. Just a thought.

So please, stop using the term “friendzone”.  You just sound like a self-entitled jerk.


~ by Randi Saunders on January 7, 2013.

2 Responses to “People, You Have GOT To Stop Using The Term “FriendZone””

  1. Reblogged this on Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History and commented:
    I swear if I hear one more Nice Guy (TM) dudebro complaining about being “friendzoned” I’m going to become a hermit or just stop dating non-commune men all-together.

  2. As a former Nice Guy (TM), I want to thank you for writing this article. It might seem obvious, but the vast majority of Nice Guys don’t realize what they’re doing, and laying it out is really damn helpful. It’d be interesting to look into the causes behind nice-guy-ism – though I’m not entirely sure this would be the correct blog for that. Maybe I’ll research and write that article myself some time…

    Thanks again!

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